5 Disrespected Movie Characters You Should Wish To Be

I get it, you want to be John Mclaine because he's a gritty scrapper who overcome odds and blah blah blah. Or you want to be The Punisher cause you're a psychopath who subscribes to their own code of justice. Well guess what? In the real world, gritty scrappers end up as stepping stones for the talented. Just ask Peter Mcneeley. And if you want to operate by your own code of justice I hope you have the money for some big time lawyers.
That's why my list of heroes is different.  This isn't five characters who got the girl, or saved the planet. These are five people who did the best they would with what they had, which is all you can ask for from someone.

1. Igor (Fritz) - Frankenstein 1931

How do we judge a man? Is a man what he is or what he overcomes? Is a child raised in poverty who becomes a success not more admirable than a rich kid who achieves relative mediocrity, even if it's the greater sum?
Igor (known as Fritz in the original Frankenstein) is an unfortunate soul who, because of societies obsession with looks, has been cast aside by the masses. Spit upon, teased as a child, drive to the outer edges of town, Igor has every reason to turn his back on humanity. But instead he busts his hump to help Dr. Frankenstein try and tame the cruelest of all human fates, mortality. The essence of human morality is helping those who seek to do you harm and in this sense the dimwitted, disabled and maligned Igor is a man of the highest moral character. Like a Kennedy. 

2. Carter Burke - Aliens 1986

The hardest thing to do in life is to stand up and fight with no one behind you. I'm part of the generation raised to distrust corporations. They're unfeeling machines who exist to make a profit at the price of human suffering. But as you get older, you realize it's not as black and white as Oliver Stone would have you believe. Some times tough decisions have to be made.
Imagine you're surrounded by soldiers who are in a panic, acting irrational. You're trapped on an foreign planet surrounded by alien life forms hunting you down. And now, the leader of the marines is suggesting to take off and "nuke the site from orbit". Most of you would blindly follow the orders of these highly trained, battle tested marines. And I wouldn't blame you, we can't all be as brave as Carter "Hercules" Burke.
Even when a marine who is obviously suffering from PTSD shoves a gun his his face and dehumanizes him by referring to Carter as "dog-meat", Burke stands tall against the bullying. He is determined to save this alien species no matter the cost to himself, and others. I admire Mr. Burke because he exemplifies the truest spark of bravery, the lone sane man, in a insane world.

3. Fredo Corleone - Godfather I & II

There is no complex minutia to wade through on this pick, it should be pretty obvious. In Fredo Corleone you're talking about a man who was "banging cocktail waitresses two at time". Think about the statement. It implies this Lothario wasn't just able to seduce two women at once, but he was doing it so much it was affecting his work. How many of us have been able to have so much sex it's affects our work consistently? And this is before Viagra or Cialis or any other penis steroid, this man was seducing women and having hours of sex running on nothing other than Sicilian machismo. I believe Michael's real reason for having him killed was the boiling over of his jealousy at the Holmes-esque escapades of his brother. Ask yourself would you rather be the brother who spends all day alone scheming, or all day enveloped in rapturous lovemaking with uncountable amounts of people? Give me 30 Fredo years over 70 Michael years any time.  

4. Donald Gennaro from Jurassic Park - 1993

He's the only one who agrees with John Hammond and has the vision to see what is plainly obvious. Every other adult sits around wringing their hands like a conservative judge presiding over a gay marriage.
But it's more than just his brave stand in the face of pessimism. It's one of the most heroic acts in film history. The T. Rex has broken out of its cage. Donald, fighting against 1000 lawyer jokes, selflessly tries to lead the giant lizard away from the children in the stuck car. He has to know he can't outrun the T. Rex. But be assured his luring of the menace saves those children's lives. Who doesn't dream of their death being so gallant and brave. God bless you Donald Gennaro, you got less than you deserved. 

5.The Penguin - Batman Returns 1992

I consider this, in its essence, to be a spiritual sequel to Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (How has no one parodied that with Agent Smith in the principle role?). We return to the theme of a man/penguin rejected by not just society, but his own family. I mean the movie even takes time out to have gorgeous Selina Kyle mock the very idea of dating him. So Penguin tries to work within the system, to create change the "right" way. He sells out who he is to try and become mayor of a city which doesn't deserve a man with such a pure heart.  But of course his altruistic efforts are thwarted by a man-child who refuses to see a shrink and get over his childhood trauma.
What ossifies my positive opinion of Penguin is how he finds his roots in the end. Even faced with humiliation and scorn after a less than successful campaign speech, he goes back to his family and tries one last time to achieve his vision of a better Gotham. We should all be so driven.

Don't Label Me

I was recently at a family wake for my Uncle Merrulo. My uncle proudly served as the representative for the 32 district. Up until the end Merullo had a whip-like wit which would wear waffling Wisconsinites down and ground his opponents into hamburger beef. While he ran as a Elephant, due to the slant of his district, he confided in me he always thought of himself as a independent. When I asked if he had ever voted for a Democrat, or any bill brought forth by a Democrat he told me he would have if they ever had a good idea or candidate.
I've had time to mull this over and for the first time in my life, I really understand where Representative Merrulo was coming from. People have thrown labels at me and in the past I've just accepted them. But they never FELT true to who I am. I mean what is a serial killer anyway?

Politics aside, a damn good clown

 Yes, I've killed multiple people, 10 or 20 or so, and yes each murder took place after a cooling off period. But why does the time period in between murders matter? Isn't all time just perception anyway? Besides, killing a bunch of people at once is the wheel house of the mass murder lobby like Timothy McVeigh or the ATF. And don't even get me started on those nut jobs. You wanna talk about ideological inconsistencies, read some of Tim's rantings, or try and parse the by-laws the average ATF agent has to abide.
I prefer to think of myself as a death enthusiast. No I'm not pro-serial killer, I mean they're just as bad as the rest. And I disagree with them on many issues. Why limit yourself just to brunette women? Or gay men? Or children? We live in the great melting pot experiment of America, how about you branch out a bit? And what's with the OCD level routines before killing someone? I pride myself of my open-mindedness and flexibility.  I've used knives, shovels and ropes. One time I even bludgeoned an old lady to death with a bunch of hard candy which was stuck together in a bowl. I tossed the candy in a lake outside her house. I kept the bowl though, it has a lovely paisley pattern on the inside which perfectly matches my arm chair made out of...well...you know.

At least the uniform is friendly

 The truth is serial killers are in the pockets of BIG DEATH just as much as any other group (Tobacco, Firearms, Alcohol, Air wicks). Sure they seem organic, self contained, but did you know the Koch brothers bought John Wayne Gacy's house for him and even paid to have the floorboards sanded and coated? Or that Ted Turner used to pay for Ted Bundy to get pore cleansing facials once a month? I mean how unbiased can you expect someone to be when political players like those are writing the checks?
If you recall my Uncle and his voting record, you might say the same applies to me. If your not a serial killer when was the last year you went without killing someone? Touché mon ami. I can't for the life of me (or my victims for that matter~!) remember the last year I didn't contribute to the cause of death. But should I be punished for consistency? Just because I routinely commit murder and defile and eat the corpses of my victims, doesn't make me some sick bureaucrat like Jeffrey Dahmer. I am a proud and independent Death Enthusiast. The choices I make aren't what matters, what I say and believe makes me what I am.
Feel free to post unfair labels (democrat/gypsy/felon) you are trying to shed in the comments!

The Manchurian Bartman

I got a hot take for you guys. I'm going to argue that Bartman should go back to being hated. Not for the incident itself but his REFUSAL to move past it. 

All he has to do is one or two interviews and the mystery is gone and we can all move on. But he is so obsessed with the limelight he won't allow anything to penetrate his image of beaten puppy. Look at this years playoff run. Articles all over the place asked "Will steve bartman go to wrigley". And bartman spoke through a damn lawyer to say he wouldn't. It implies that the whole situation is just too difficult. It's as if he wants everyone in the city to apologize to him. he wants us to know how much he hurts, he can't go to Wrigley because of us and we should all feel guilty.  He's like a mother who's birthday you forgot 10 years ago. 

He's addicted to his own air of mystery, like Batman, obsessed with controlling how people view him. Steve wants this perpetual news cycle of "don't you feel bad for him, its so sad he can't come to the games"

He's turned himself into a martyr and he is milking it for everything it's worth. That's why Bartman is the worst fan in sports.

Above is a grammatically damaged email I wrote to some friends. And so I kept thinking about this whole thing, consumed by its consumosity. And I realized I was missing a connection. Why was this man, so conspicuously decked out in green, sitting in the perfect spot on a breezy October evening? How could time fate and conspire in such a way? I think I've found the answer.

We all know the Cubs haven't won the World Series in over 100 years. In 2003 it had been 95+ years. Using this failure, the Cubs had created a marketing machine that milked the misery and disappointment of fans for the past 30 years. The fans commiserated in the surrounding bars, drenching not just the Cubs, but the area of Wrigleyville in beer-soaked dollars. The culture of losing was a never ending money train.

But after game 4 of the 2003 NLCS that train was about the hop the tracks. And crash. Killing everyone on board. Except for a puppy who was in a travel case. The puppy survived with only minor wounds. I mean its 12 years later, so it’s probably dead now. But I digress…

Part I The Training of an Assassin

Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god.

Beilby Porteus

In the aftermath of the Steve Bartman incident the media portrayed him as a die-hard cubs fan, a man harboring a lifelong obsession with the lovable losers, he was a physical portmanteau of the two keys of Cubbiness, failure and obliviousness. He was a perfect foil, clad in his mismatched green turtleneck with his headphones blocking out the world around him. Maybe, too perfect.

It’s 1977. The Cubs have finished .500 for the first time in half a decade. The stench of the 1969 collapse lingers in the Wrigley Air like the scent of cat litter at your aunt’s house, tainting the furniture with a thin layer of dust and causing your asthma to act up halfway through dinner. “Well I just vacuumed so you’re being dramatic, the dust isn’t that bad” she claims, but you can run your index finder along the table and show her the litter dust which is coating your lungs. And I’m running low on albuterol and we’re only halfway through dinner.

1977 is also the year Steve Bartman is born. (Allegedly, I have a theory about him being a lizard-like alien, but very little solid evidence. And I’m certainly not one to jump to ridiculous conclusions.) By 1984 the Cubs return to the playoffs. They lose a heartbreaker to the Padres, but the seeds are sown.  In those seven years between his birth and Padres heartbreak a funny thing happens. The Cubs keep losing. But the attendance keeps rising. (excluding the strike year.) (And excluding the years the attendance actually went down.)

Bartman’s father told the Chicago Sun-Times, "He's a huge Cubs fan. I'm sure I taught him well. I taught him to catch foul balls when they come near him."

This seemingly innocuous quote form Bartman’s father takes on a darker meaning when you’ve been drinking since 9 am. It’s as if the father of Lee Harvey Oswald bragged about training his son to nail a moving target at long distances. But this wasn’t some silly president who died, this was the assassination of the hopes and dreams of an entire city.

“I’m sure I taught him well” Maybe too well. His father could only be ‘sure’ if Steve accomplished his mission. Now if his goal was to help the Cubs win, then Steve’s father is a failure. But by his own admission he “taught him well”. One can only conclude that much like America in every war ever, Steve Bartman accomplished his mission.

He trained and conditioned Steve to catch foul balls when they came near him. No matter the inning, the score, the situation, Steve was trained like a single minded machine to catch foul balls. What other reason would you have for this kind of training? Unless you were gearing up for a moment akin to the Chicago Baseball Apocalypse.

PART II Losing IS Winning

In 1993 the Cubs finish in 4^th place, 13 games out of first. Their crosstown rivals lead by the greatest hitter in Chicago baseball history, Frank Thomas, make the playoffs for the first time since 1983. In ‘93, the Cubs draw their biggest gate in franchise history, 2.6 million. The White Sox draw 2.5 million.

The next time the Cubs set their attendance record they finish 30 games back and in dead last. You might say, well the year before they made the playoffs, these effects were residual. Well you are an idiot for thinking that. The following year they drew almost the same amount and put up with same exact record.

But this is more than just about attendance numbers. This is about owning misery. It’s about a mindset so diabolical, so self-aggrandizing, you don’t cut off your nose to spite your face, you cut it off to prove to everyone how miserable you are. By 2003 the Cubs whole world revolves around this image of being lovable losers. The team cursed by a goat. Like an abused step-child who only knows love through being hit by a drunken stepfather, the Cubs only sign that the baseball gods know they exist is them stubbornly smiting the franchise year after year.

In 2003 the golden arms of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior arrived to shine light on Wrigley. And while the north side of Chicago rejoiced at their arrival, the Cubs brass had planned ahead. They had already made a call to one Jim Hendy. Why would they choose an assistant GM from what had become one of the most woeful franchises in baseball? A franchise KNOWN to sabotage their own team for profits? The Machiavellian machinations the Marlins maestro wouldn’t be laid bare till that fateful day in October.

PART 3 Ocean’s 4

Jim Hendry graduated from Spring Hill College and bounced around baseball before finally becoming special assistant to the GM of the FLORIDA MARLINS. Through possibly nefarious dealings Jim Hendry took over the Cubs in 2002 and immediately began sabotaging the Cubs. He traded away Julian Tavarez and future all—star Dontrelle Willis to, who else, his former employer the Florida Marlins. But this wasn’t enough. The Cubs had two stud pitchers, maybe the best combo of pitching prospects baseball had ever seen, tearing through major league lineups and setting records on the way. As Sideshow Bob might have observed, the hitters were the Kleenex, Wood and Prior were the snot party.

After firing Don Baylor in the middle of 2002 Jim Hendry bided his time and hired a manager whose reputation as a winner seemed to mark a positive step for the Cubs. But he would leave the Cubs with a much different rep. In 2003, cloaking his true intentions, Jim Hendry hired Dusty Baker as the Manager of the Chicago Cubs. It was hailed by a short sighted media as the move of a team gearing up to win a championship. But Hendry new better. He already knew what the world would later realize. Dusty Baker is the young pitcher terminator. Cold, calculating and efficient.

And while the long term health of the pitchers now looked good, (To Hendry. Cause he wanted them to get hurt. So by good I mean bad. But I’m speaking from their perspective. Hendry and the conspirators, not the pitchers) there was wrench in the works, the Cubs were winning, and winning a lot. When the dust cleared at the end of a great chase the Cubs stood on top the NL Central by a game. It wasn’t time to push the panic button yet though. The Cubs still had to beat one of the best offensive teams the NL had ever scene.

There’s a saying by analysts, ‘good pitching beats good hitting.’ It’s one of those wonderful sayings which needs no proof or numbers, but sounds smart when you say it. Well your honor, I’d like to enter into evidence the Cubs/Braves series.  The Cubs won the series on the arms of Wood and Prior who held the Braves to 2 runs or less in all their starts. Nine days later, in the NLCS, the Cubs were headed home. They lead 3 games to 2 with Mark Prior and Kerry Wood scheduled to deliver them to the promised land.

I can’t "prove" any connection between the Bartman family and Hendry. Not through any actual “evidence”. But if ever the concept of ‘ethereal conspiracy’ was a thing, this is the definition of it. Game 6, Steve Bartman just happens to procure the hottest ticket in Chicago, he just happens to be sitting front row, he just happens to be on the side where righty’s (most hitters) pull the ball foul.  As Ian Flemming wrote, “Once is happenstance. Twice is Coincidence. Three times is enemy action.”

We all know the end result. But one thing always bugged me. How did his father know Bartman would go through with it? How could he be sure Steve wouldn’t fall in love with the Cubs and want them to win? I struggled with this variable until I saw the look on Steve’s vacant face. The only way to be 100% -Donald-Trump-positive is if Steve’s dad made him a sleeper agent. Just like Jack Ruby and John Hinkley before him, Steve was turned into an empty vessel. A vessel powerful men used for diabolical purposes. In Steve’s case it was to maintain the Cubs monopoly of misery.

Now as we all know Jack Ruby was hidden away by the CIA and disguised as the proprietor of the restaurant chain Ruby Tuesday. Hinckley was put in charge of a bottle water consortium (Hinckley and Schmidt). So I leave you with this question: what will Bartman’s 30 pieces of silver be?

Dusty Baker is trying to get fired Part II

And here is more proof he is tired of baseball. Here.

Via Yahoo

Dusty Baker Tries to Lose His Job

I mean I can't think of any other explanation for this: Here.

Per Yahoo

Is Blaine Gabbert Elite?

Yes.

Picture above: The second coming of Joe Montana

(The following article should be read in old-timey newsman voice, think the beginning of 'UP'. Not the part where you cried and had to turn your head so you girlfriend wouldn't see, the part where they introduce the villain by newsreel.) 
Chicago -  The rain in Spain falls mainly on the BLAINE?!?! Troubadour Blaine Gabbart made quick work of a vociferous Bears defense. Unlike conventional quarterbacks Gabbart used his legs to rally the San Francisco Prospectors to a come from behind win for the ages.
In this reporters estimation, he may have revolutionized the Quarterback position. Will we start to see more quarterbacks try and "scramble" with the ball?
The Bears defense, who apparently had never seen such a spectacle, certainly hope not. Said former Bear great Dick Batholomew Pennyworth Butkis the Third: "I should say, in my day, if a quarterback attempted to run with the ball we gave him quite the dirty look and refused his request of sugar with his after-game tea."
"I ran, not just to win the game, but to show the world the way football could, nay should be played," responded a jubilant Blaine in the post game conference. "May my legs be the shovel that melts the forward pass."
Gamesmanship or showboating? Strategy or cheating? These questions will only be answered when the Niners and Bears meet again in the playoffs. Assuming they have a second playoffs for teams who tried, but didn't "win" enough.
Notes from the game:
- This was the first time the Bears had allowed a QB rushing TD outside of all the other ones
- I drank 2 Stella's and 2 Bud Lights
- Gabbart was fined for mixing his metaphors in his post-game conference